Dear all within my heart from my heart, I write to you today
I haven’t wanted to comment on the world’s state as we are living it in our personal way. I especially want to make clear that what I live and mention to you is a psycho-spiritual exploration and is in no way a diminishment of the pain of the world in regard to the losses. We are all resonating with a specific space of experience and feeling. In a world where uncertainty is currently the “norm”, we are being pushed as a collective into a state that is comparable to that which depression can provoke within an individual. It is akin to something psychologists term “learned helplessness”. This is a state that can submit one to “helplessness” and the despair therein when that which is harmful to us feels out of our control. Therefore it is only expected that within this reality where we feel helpless within, we are externally witnessing, many extreme reactions or unpredictable responses as we are actually witnessing the human psyche defending itself from the uncertainty that feels omnipresent. Adding a “lack of safety” to this aforementioned experience prompted me to propose the following idea within myself. Well in fact it was born from my heart.
I have in many ways sacrificed my mental health and physical health from my infancy to early adulthood striving for the kind of academic excellence that only can derive into complete “disconnect”. One that implicated my treating myself as if I were limitless and as if my needs or wants were luxuries in a world that depended on absolute intellectual perfection to “get the life I longed for, that my parents couldn’t have”. Now I am seeing my little girl and am sat with her telling her a tale of that proverbial moment where one truly integrates “tell god your plans….”. I have held her with me today and really witnessed her come into peace with me in one revolutionary act of inner change. I have been trained to believe that all that is now going beautifully in my life; my relationship with my twin flame, peace at home, closeness with my family and close friends, and a reliance on nature, that these were factors that would compose the life of someone who is “mediocre”. My “privileged” private education conditioned each of us to believe that the further we got away from our home and hearth, the higher we would soar. “Leave the heart out of it as it must be about success”. When you had sacrificed what I had in order to achieve that longstanding dream of Cambridge and the promise of the “tomorrow”, my little family unit and I had given so much for, you were willing to pay any price in order to be successful.
A number of incidents passed before my eyes and innards today as I remembered my “little one” contemplating suicide as early as 11 or foregoing eating as she couldn’t pretend she was ever hungry. There was always so much to fear. So much to be “good enough for”.
Now I am in the precipice of this new world with you all and I remember how the only thing that stopped me from going through with wanting to leave this earthy place, was the knowledge I would break my family´s soul in a way that was inconceivable. I didn’t do it that night because I had hope that the “angelic”beings I would see, night after night, truly cared for me and that it wasn’t for naught that I could feel all that was held in another´s heart just upon passing them.
Turns out that in the eve of this new world, this new state of “uncertainty”, the one service we can give our psyche, toward a true sense of hope, is in the acknowledgment of what you love and have loved. I am committed to a wonderful human being who proves to me darkness can be overcome daily, out of the power of effort into what counts- the soul- motored by the love between us and for the self. I am committed to my spiritual development in a way that cultivates purposefulness like no other earth experience. My spirit’s development can never be tarnished. When the world forces me into my home I can just invite myself deeper. When the fear knocks at my door I can choose to love and be even more grateful. In the end, I didn’t strive for mere success. I strove for the EXTRAORDINARY. I love.
Love didn’t matter to my intellectually driven mentors grooming me toward a soulless sense of service to the system that is paradoxically currently breaking down. Love didn’t matter to my headmaster who told me I had to leave my parents behind if I wanted to “be somebody”. ¿How could I be a psychologist when it was so “demeaning” and unsuccessful? He would nonchalantly state to my then vulnerable impressionable self. There was no love when this educator left me out of the graduation congratulations,” forgetting “my name as he was ashamed of the future I had chosen. He looked at me with disappointment and pierced me with “You have the potential for so much and this ( derisively) is what you are choosing”.
I had held that moment in my heart as a small wound yet now I see how it was, as the first hit from a system that was corrupt and is now in one of its phases of falling apart. However, nothing that begins toxic can end without the venom being expelled absolutely. This is all going down in flames and from the ashes, what counts will be purified. ( Once again I remind you all that I am referring to the realities of the system and not the sorrow of the immense losses of our people). We don’t feel protected and we don’t feel safe. So let us invite ourselves into the following:
Allow yourself to choose a revolutionary act of love amidst all of this. Allow yourself to shine a light on the extraordinary choice of smiling at something you feel connected to. I never thought romantic love meant much and this allowed me to co-cultivate the most incredible relationship of all and be currently in awe of what it provides me with. It is a miracle that I can love this much in times of such despair. This just as easily could have not been possible or I could have lost him. So for today, my revolutionary act is to be aware of this miracle and this love. My relationship to my soul and its capacity to love is what my inner child and I end up contemplating side by side. This love carried me through. The love that makes my life extraordinary.
In what way does your love allow for a moment of hope?
Let your revolutionary act be the choice of claming it!
Amidst all that invites despair when you are aware of love, in any shape or form, you for this moment are cultivating a spark of hope.